Workout for the Lazy Bride Part 2How would you like to shed fifteen unwanted pounds, take three inches off your waist, and have a leaner, sexier body in just 14 days, in only 6 minutes a day? If that's you, raise your right hand ... and slap yourself across the face. What in the hell's wrong with you? If you happen to watch any late night television, I'm sure you've seen some new product/ diet plan that makes claims that are equally outrageous. I know I have. And they are starting to get on my last nerve. These advertisers are fishermen. They are using their most effective bait to get all of us to bite. They play on your emotions, your fears, your hopes, your dreams. They throw the baited hook in the water, and we bite by the millions. I'll bet if I guaranteed with my plan you'd lose the weight you wanted in the time frame you had in mind, I'd get a few bites. If I could target a particularly body-image conscious group, like Brides-to-be, I'd get more bites than a mailman wearing a cat costume in a phone booth full of Pit Bulls. Just remember, there are no shortcuts to any kind of success. I don't care if we're talking about education, vocation, relationships, or health and fitness. Rewards come to those who put in the work. I sincerely hope I'm bursting some bubbles here. Because if you think losing weight and gaining fitness is that simple, then I have one question for you. What color is the sky in your world? Here on Earth, where the sky is usually blue, losing weight for most of us is hard. If it was easy, our society wouldn't have the obesity issues we have, there would be no body image self-esteem issues, and these late night snake oil salesmen wouldn't have millions of desperate Americans to whom they can peddle their wares. Now, I'm not saying all these health and fitness products are bad. In fact, some are quite good, as they are based on sound analysis, and have proven test results. Just don't fall for the old carrot on the string trick. It's easy to be tempted by accounts by seemingly regular people that have before and after pictures that appear to show how effective that particular diet program is. However, in the small print, it usually states, "These results are not typical." If you expect to get these kinds of results, be prepared to be extremely strict with the food recommendations, and plan on working out like a maniac at least four to five times a week, sometimes twice a day. Unless you have limitless time and resources, or you are on a mission and plan on making this your biggest priority, don't do this to yourself. It's too hard to maintain a schedule like this for long periods of time for most of us. And if you have a wedding coming up soon, the last thing you need is something else that might stress you out. I think I can help. More importantly, I want to help. But, I must warn you, I believe in keeping it real. Not everyone is ready for that. This article is not for the insecure. Besides, diet and fitness articles all start to sound the same after a while, don't they? By now, everyone has either read completely, or at least perused through an account by some fitness guru expounding on the virtues of Yoga, Aerobics, Kickboxing, Running, Tai Chi, or whatever is the next big thing, promising to get you from flabby to sexy in no time. Some of the diets will say you can eat all the foods you normally enjoy, like pizza, macaroni and cheese, burgers, even chocolate cake. Be forewarned. The low calorie version of one of your favorite foods will not taste much like the one you love. Pizza gets its wonderful flavor from the marriage of all of its ingredients. The thick buttery bread crust cradles the spicy marinara sauce. Your favorite toppings nest in a thick layer of melted mozzarella. The juices from the meats filter through the cheese and form a harmonious union with the sauce. These myriad flavors then get absorbed into the crust, creating one of the most satisfying guilty pleasures we have. Unfortunately, each slice carries about 25 grams of fat. Some diet plan pizzas should never wear the name pizza. They can taste like a wedge of corrugated cardboard with spicy ketchup, sprinkled with a mysterious flavorless melted substance on top. After eating it, you won't feel guilty, but you won't feel pleasured either. Some diet plans rely totally on you to make intelligent choices on each meal. They give you the guidelines, and it's up to you to calculate your caloric intake and balance your carbs and proteins. Others provide you with all of your meals and an eating schedule. This takes the guesswork out of it. And many find these plans simple to use, because all they have to do is follow the directions. Preparing your own meals can be very rewarding. You gain knowledge with every dish you prepare. You become keenly aware of which foods pack the most nutrients and still have lower calorie counts. And you can tailor your diet to your own personal tastes. If you can't live without cheese, then you have to find a lower calorie "lite" cheese, or use it in moderation. If you are an acknowledged carnivore and can't eat anything that didn't have parents, consider skinless chicken, non-fried fish, or even lean beef, again in moderation. If you're a vegetarian, you must first write a 200-word essay on how you became overweight to begin with. While I realize there is no meat in ice cream, someone who is as food conscious as the typical vegetarian has almost had to try to become overweight. You are more likely to need a change in physical activity level. You can usually eat as much as you want of the foods that come from Mother Earth. Fruits and vegetables are high in vitamins and minerals, and low in calories. However, the way you prepare these vegetables could be the problem. If your asparagus is always covered in wads of butter and hollandaise sauce, you might want to try it steamed with a little sea salt, garlic, and lemon. And although the onion is from Mother Earth, the deep fried onion blossom appetizer with the ranch dressing dipping sauce is one of the most calorie potent dishes you could ever eat. Vegetarians are humans, too, albeit slightly more annoying forms of the species. They can fall prey to the same pitfalls as the rest of us. Anyone can simply overeat. It's not hard to do. In fact, it's usually quite satisfying. Food is like sex. The more you're getting, the happier you are. Also, if it's not that good, it's still better than not getting any. But most importantly, food can be comforting. If you're depressed because your fiancé decided to have that bachelor party he said he really didn't want, some Rocky Road ice cream and a bag of Oreos can make it all better. If your boss is trippin', nothing makes his ignorance go away like chips and salsa, fried mini chimichungas, and margaritas at the local Happy Hour spot. If, despite all your best efforts and hours of consultation, your Wedding Planner can't seem to see your vision, probably because hers is in the way, that post-meeting cheeseburger and fries seems to understand. Be careful. Overindulgence will lead to problems. That goes for your diet as well. Trying to do too much too soon spells ruin for most dieters. Make your food changes gradual if you want them to last a lifetime. Crash dieting will most often lead to crash weight gain. You want to acquire enough nutritional knowledge to make informed choices. Even if you make bad choices, you'll be more aware of their potential effect. Just take responsibility for your own actions. Everyone has the perfect way to lose weight. But your health is determined by your personal choices. You have to find a way to get the nutrients your body needs from foods you enjoy. It may mean cutting back on some of the guilty pleasures. Or you might have to step up your physical activity levels to counteract your unwillingness to make fatty food sacrifices. Just remember, balance is the key. For those still looking for a simple solution to losing weight and feeling better, here it is. Burn more calories than you take in. If you are eating responsibly, moderate exercise will slowly melt the pounds away. If you're working out four to five days a week, you'll drop weight even faster. If you enjoy food too much to cut back on the guilty pleasures, you'll have to train like an athlete to balance your high caloric intake. If you hate exercise of all forms, you can eat responsibly and maintain your optimum weight. However, there's a very good chance you won't be healthy. You'll just be slim with a high body fat percentage. Bottom line: Don't fall for the carrot on the string trick. If a diet plan sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Include some form of regular physical activity in your weekly regimen. Make sound nutrition choices at least most of the time. Resist the urge to become a fanatic about any diet or fitness program. The keys are balance and moderation. Approach your health and fitness plan like you should your impending marriage. You are in this for the long haul. You will soon be asking a very special someone to be with you "in sickness and in health." Trust me. "In health" is a lot more fun.
Written by Kevin Foster |
