Dear AdinaBy admin | May 29th, 2011 | Category: 2006, Articles, Columns, Summer 2006 | No Comments »
Advice for the Broken-hearted
I have been meeting jerk after jerk for the last 3 years, really ever since my ex-boyfriend broke it off with me. I am what most people would call attractive, and I have a really good personality and sense of humor. Why can’t I find a guy who wants to get serious? I just want to get married and start a family, plus I am being pressured from my mother because I am approaching 30. By the way, I have no baggage, I don’t have any kids, and I have a stable job. What’s wrong with me? Please help.
Oh, wow! Your story is all too relatable, not only for me but probably forevery one of my girlfriends. I’ve spent endless hours convincing them that these “jerks” weren’t worth their time. So I really had to wrack my brain to answer your question and think of why we put ourselves through all of this. Maybe it’s just that most men are jerks and we just have to weed through them until we find the diamond in the ruff. Naaaa. The good ones are out there; you just have to be ready to open yourself up to them. First of all, let me start by saying there is nothing wrong with you. Every experience you go through is meant to teach you something about yourself and make you a stronger person. I don’t know much about your last relationship, but it sounds to me like it was a doozy, which left you really hurt. So maybe dating the wrong type of guy (i.e., the guys you dub as “jerks”) was kind of a defense mechanism because you weren’t ready to get involved in a serious relationship with someone new. Maybe your heart was still on the mend. But by acknowledging this pattern and making the effort to seek help and advice, it seems like you are sick of playing the field and are ready to meet someone who will love you and treat you right. Setting your intention is the only way to achieve what you really want in life…from landing your dream job, to losing weight, to finding the right guy. So set your intention on loving yourself and finding someone who loves the you you love. He’s out there, and once you find him, you’ll look back and laugh about all the silly guys you dated in the past.
I have been doing the online dating thing and hooked up with a really nice guy who has everything I want. He even owns his own home. Here’s my problem: I totally lied on my dating application. I lied about my age, my hobbies. I lied about liking Monday night football. I didn’t reveal the fact that I was married before. We’ve been going out for a month now, and I am terrified of being found out. I think I’m falling in love with this guy, but I’m having an attack of conscience. If I tell him the truth, I’m afraid he’s not going to like the real me. I don’t know if I can keep up this charade for much longer, but I am terrified of losing him. What should I do?
Lying in Wait,
Dear Lying in Wait,
Come clean. That’s all there is to it. But do it in a delicate fashion, of course. The thing about online dating is that it always starts out based on a fantasy–on the way you perceive yourself, or on the way you want to be perceived. And that’s why you don’t marry a person based on their online profile (unless we’re talking about mail order brides, but that’s a whole other advice column). So here’s where dating comes in…you go out, converse, get to know each other in person, and see if you’re compatible with each other. The two of you have dated for a month and have developed some pretty strong feelings for each other. It seems to me that you are compatible. And that’s not because of something you wrote on your online profile; it’s because of who you are. I’m not condoning lying about your age or your interests and I think you’re much better off telling him the truth and getting it off your chest. Honesty is a very important component of all lasting relationships. But I have a feeling that your confession isn’t going to make him run. He might even have a few confessions of his own! And hey, who’s to say that you can’t grow to love Monday night football??
Truth be told,
Dear Adina ,
I am not gay! I keep hearing rumors about me from people that I am gay. I am a male in my early 20s and I am very shy. I have a lot of guy friends, and I have never had a girl friend. It’s not that I don’t like women. Quite the contrary, I like them too much. I get extremely nervous when I am around someone I am attracted to. My palms get sweaty, I stutter, and I lose my train of thought. I am really thin, and not athletic at all. I love to go to the theater, and yes, I do watch Will and Grace , but that doesn’t make me gay. I am so tired of having to try to prove to people that I am straight. How can I get these rumors to stop about me? I am afraid that my friends are starting to believe them.
Dear Will…er…I mean Justin,
Don’t you love how society tries to put people into boxes? If you’re a straight man, you should look and behave a certain way; and if you’re gay, you have to look and behave like something else. UGH! Who made these rules, and who says you have to follow them?! I say, dance to the beat of your own drum, relish in the joys of the theater, and be who you are best–YOURSELF! Your true friends will not listen to or believe these silly rumors. But in the meantime, try to address your shyness and approach a girl or two. Even ask one out. I know it might be hard and scary, but it’s worth it. It will help you overcome your shyness and give you that confidence boost that you need. And remember, lucky is the lady who gets to know all of your wonderful qualities and have you by her side.
Go get ‘em tiger!