Simply Single

Attachment and the Next Level:
When Casual Dating Hits an Emotional Roadblock, How Do We Know When to Take It to the Next Level and When to Call It Quits?

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“I’m trying to find something wrong with him, but I just can’t find anything!” Amy emphatically exhaled. I kept silent, wondering if that was a sigh of relief because he seemed to be a genuinely nice guy, or of exasperation because she failed to find a flaw to decrease or deaden her growing feelings for him. “It’s only been three months,” Carrie reminded her. “You both are still in the honeymoon period. Give it some time before stressing out.” Ah, the honeymoon period. Almost always, new relationships experience a honeymoon period. Lasting for days, months, or years, it’s the initial courting period, during which everything seems and feels perfect in a relationship. The apple of one’s eye proves flawless in every way. Engaging conversations, delightful dates, great chemistry, amazing sex, displays of thoughtfulness, and everything else in between create a stress-free, drama-free rapport, as courters dish out 110% of effort to win over their crush. A highly impressionable period, its magic can win over crushes and even blur reality, mentally crippling some and making them unable to leave a bad or mediocre relationship.

Factoring time into the equation, once easygoing relationships can turn complex as emotions grow, feelings develop, and superficial layers are shed. Time exposes the true colors of most individuals, initially on their best behavior to impress their crush, as comfort and indolence set in and regression takes place. Time can also cause a person to grow on you, become more attractive, invade your mind more frequently, and so on. Many form some type of bond with the object of their affection, whether this bond is actual or imagined, mutual or one-sided. Most often, time leads to emotional attachment, as individuals begin adding emotional value to the new person in their life. During this time, daters concurrently enter the realm of cerebral thinking, creating mental, subjective pro-con lists about their date(s) and shaping their feelings. Perceptions of reality, desires, dislikes, and personal intentions influence one’s actions, interactions, and reactions towards his/her sweetheart, setting the stage for relationships ranging from fling, friend, and foe to fiancé, fluke, and plain frustrating.

Generally, as one or both parties develop feelings, a relationship eventually reaches a standstill, and one faces a juncture. Does one take it to the “next level,” leave it as is for as long as possible, end it, or let it fade? With at least two players to each game, individual feelings, wants, and expectations affect the path a relationship takes. Let’s say after three months, you and your current beau approach this fork in the road. If you’re both simply mad about each other, you effortlessly breeze into the next level. If both of you don’t care to take it anywhere, you effortlessly cut ties. If you don’t care for him much, feel he’s a waste of time, screen calls to avoid him, suffer from repulsion or annoyance by the sheer thought of him, and the like, you know the demise of this little romance draws near. Sound easy, right? Complexity enters the scene when you think your beau’s fantastic and want to take it to the next level, but his emotional murkiness leaves you unsure about where the two of you stand. In such instances, how does one know if and when a relationship could and should be taken to the next level? How does one know when to cut one’s losses and leave?

As with sampling new cuisine, dating usually takes time, practice, and experience in order to develop a better idea of what one likes, dislikes, wants, doesn’t want, and deserves. For instance, as a teenager I viewed sushi as trendy and disgusting, and as a result, my premature opinion negatively influenced my sushi experiences and prevented me from enjoying or giving it a fair chance. Years later, my view changed––I love sushi! Frequenting different sushi joints throughout the years, I eventually learned to distinguish between good and bad sushi, fresh and old sashimi, and worthwhile and rip-off establishments. Without much dining experience, I would probably call a sushi restaurant great, simply because of its great ambiance, trendiness, or great reviews. Instead of having knowledge and a personal preference of what I considered excellent, I’d fall prey to influence. Similarly, experience in dating usually can help many develop a list of preferences and a set of standards. Along with some experiences come heartaches. However, as wretched and hurtful as they may momentarily feel, heartbreaks and bad experiences can toughen one’s hide, helping one to realize that life isn’t over if or when one’s crush turns out to be nothing short of an inconsiderate idiot, providing the strength to leave a hopeless, negative situation. With a tougher hide, one often becomes more discriminating and less tolerant of the dallying and emotional manipulating kind, as expectations and feelings of self-worth increase. Admittedly, some with little or no dating experience can find their perfect someone and live happily ever after, but these instances seem to be quite anomalous.

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