Have We Gone A-Stray?

I have a baby girl named “Shay” and of course I think she is absolutely fabulous. She is smart, adorable, and lovable. She loves me unconditionally. Yes, I’m proud doggie mommy, and I’m not the only one. In our trips to the park, I’ve met other proud moms and dads. While our little ones are sniffing one another’s bums and romping in the pond, we watch from the sidelines. We discuss the best doggie daycares, schools, the healthiest dog food, the best bark parks, and of course potty training. Some parents are very competitive, spouting out “AKC this” and “breeding that,” but I’m not one of those “show dog” moms. (Those people are really out there.) I see them at the park having conversations with their dogs and wonder when did it become normal to treat a dog like a person? The next day, I set off for answers at the local college’s library, and after a couple of hours I had three phone numbers and some idea as to why people treat their pets like children.

First and foremost, I blame Saddam Hussein. I really don’t have “facts” to back this up but I figured since the government blames Saddam for a variety of problems, eh, why not tack on one more.

Our next stop on the blame game timeline would be a song some consider a classic, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” This song stirs up so many emotions: anger, sadness, worry, fear, and sympathy. Those artists were brave enough to really make a statement, and it got the American public thinking, “What would happen if my dog was let out?” The country went into panic mode and there was an alert system started. It was color coded with green, meaning your doggie was safe, to orange, meaning there is a pretty good chance your dog could be “let out.” Nonetheless, the public was cautious under any color. No one ever wanted to be haunted by the question, “Who let the dogs out?”

The American people were looking to be protected and informed, so they turned to the people they chose to be their leaders, celebrities. Once the celebrities announced they had a plan, we all sighed in relief. The celebrities told us in order to keep our pets safe, we have to keep them by our sides at all times; and as you and I both know, celebrities always practice what they preach. Everywhere you looked there were articles about how celebs keep their dogs near to them: in their purse, or on set, even at the salon. Their amazing stories of such generosity were so inspiring that the public took notice. Then, dogs were crowned the “newest must-have accessory” by USA Today, People, and InStyle.

It was then that we opened our homes to our favorite pets. Suddenly, our beds were being taken over, we were being woken up by licks to the face (and you don’t want to know where that tongue has been), the carpet was covered with chew toys, and we were losing control. This angered us, but we looked to our celebrity leaders and realized that maybe there was something behind our pets’ bad behavior. Our curiosity was peaked; we wanted to know what was going on inside the minds of our precious puppies. Enter the pet psychic, a woman I really consider a national hero. She shared our dogs’ thoughts with us, and finally we found out what our favorite family member thought of us . . . and the news wasn’t good. Our dogs hate us. This realization created a massive wave of guilt, like nothing ever seen before. Suddenly, there was a public outcry, “Give us something to buy so we can give it to our dogs and they will like us!” Petsmart and Petco answered our cries and finally we were able to buy the love of our dogs.

It didn’t take us long to figure out buying off our dogs was a lot cheaper and easier than buying off say . . . children. One bone, a couple of chew toys, and your dog would be loyal and loving to the end. There was never any back talk, or arguments, no need to worry. Your dog wouldn’t sneak out past curfew, or get a tattoo, or come home with a weird piercing. And if your dog happened to get knocked up, you could give all the puppies away with a clean conscience. It was clear raising a dog was a lot easier than raising a child, but people still had a desire to be moms and dads. It was then a compromise was born. Why not just raise our puppies like people?

And here we are. Shay started going to daycare, play dates, and bark parks. She dresses up for Halloween and has her picture taken with Santa Claus every year. Sometimes I am disgusted that I turned into one of “those” people, but on the bright side, I don’t have to pay for her to go to college . . . at least not yet!

Written by Jessica Mouser

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