Dear Adina Your 21st Century Dear Abby Dilemma 1 Dear Adina,
I have a real problem. I live around the corner from a very nice guy. We say hello to each other when I walk my dog. We became friends and I invited him to accompany me to a few functions. I always thought of him as just a friend, but I just discovered that he has been pining for me for three years! Now I am a divorced woman in my forties and am perfectly happy living alone. However, he has been very pushy about being with me. I finally gave in to his desires and went out on a date. He came on so strong that I didn’t know how to react. He told me he was in love with me and wanted to get married. I didn’t know how to respond. I have never had a guy come on so strong so fast before. He took offense when I didn’t reciprocate his feelings. The truth is I actually do care for him, but just not the way he cares for me. I feel in time, my feelings could grow. But he keeps rushing me to return his sentiment. Is this normal? The poor guy seems really desperate. I’m afraid I might have a stalker on my hands and I am not sure what my next move should be. But I am beginning to fall for him. Adina, how should I proceed? Forced to Feel,
Samantha —Adina's Response— Dear Friendly Neighbor,
It seems like your buddy is quite smitten by you. It reminds me of that When Harry Met Sally scene where Harry tells Sally that men and women could never just be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. I personally think friendship is the best way to start a relationship. You have common interests, you obviously enjoy spending time with this person, and there is already a solid foundation of trust and mutual respect on which to build a budding romance. But you just have to take it slow and listen to your instincts. Be open to your friend about how you feel…after all, friends should be able to tell each other everything! Make sure you let your friend know that you do have feelings for him, but you don’t want to rush into a relationship. Let him know how it makes you feel when he is too pushy or forward, and explain to him that he needs to give you space to reciprocate. I know that it can be scary opening up yourself to love again, especially after you have established an independent life for yourself and are happy alone. I am sure it is all these wonderful, strong, self-assured qualities which attracted your friend to you in the first place. But if and when you are ready to open your heart up to the possibilities of love, it looks as though you have a man waiting with open arms and an open heart.
Adina
Dilemma 2 Dear Adina,
I have been married for three years and I am totally fed up with my in-laws! Every time my husband and I go over to their house, they always say things that are totally inappropriate. I guess I should give you a little background. I am an African American female and my husband is Caucasian. Every time I am over there, they always make a point to draw undue attention to my race somehow, like commenting on my hair, or comparing me to derogatory stereotypes. Sometimes, they even use racial slurs in front of me. Of course, they don’t think they’re prejudiced at all. But to me, I feel so insulted. I have said things to my husband about it, but he doesn’t really know what to do about it. I have even confronted these people about their behavior, and they just say they never meant to hurt my feelings. But they keep doing it. It has made me so uncomfortable that I don’t ever want to see them again, but of course this would only drive a rift between my husband and me. Please help. Tired of being the Victim,
Wanda —Adina's Response— Dear Fed Up with the In-laws,
I understand that you must feel completely fed up with this situation. It’s so frustrating trying to get through to people who don’t understand the repercussions of their words. But instead of feeling like this is a battle of you against them, try to think of it as an opportunity to educate people who don’t know any better. You said that your in-laws are not intending to sound prejudiced or to hurt your feelings, so try not to feel hurt by their thoughtless words. Instead, next time they make an inappropriate joke or comment, be clear that you find it offensive. Try explaining to your husband how their comments make you feel and ask him how he would feel if the situation were reversed. It is important that you are comfortable around your in-laws and it is equally important to know that your husband has your side and will do whatever he can to resolve the situation. Talking about racial issues can be uncomfortable for some people, but an open dialog allows for a common understanding and appreciation of all the qualities which make us unique. Adina Dilemma 3 Dear Adina,
I have a friend who has really bad B.O. Everybody notices it. I have been known to tell people the truth, but I am tired of being the bad guy all the time. I don’t really want to be the person that hurts her feelings. But her personal hygiene is unbearable. What would you suggest I do? I’m tired of hearing other people talk about her to me. So do I have to be the one to tell her? Holding My Breath,
Tracy —Adina's Response—
Dear Waiting to Inhale,
Think of it this way. If you had a big piece of food stuck in your teeth and you went about your daily routine without anyone saying a word, how would you feel? Maybe a little embarrassed? And probably very mad at your friends for not pointing it out to you! Well, this is a similar situation. I’m sure your friend doesn’t realize how bad her BO is. She will definitely be embarrassed when you point it out, but don’t worry, you won’t be the bad guy this time. The other people who make comments behind her back and say nothing to her are the bad guys in this scenario. There are tactful ways to bring up the subject. Suggest a fabulous new deodorant or body wash you found that she just has to try. Maybe even buy her a bottle. I’m sure she’ll get the hint.
Adina You can email your dilemmas to adina@agendamag.com. It's okay, tell Adina all about it. Just remember to include your first name and age. Oh yeah, guys are welcome too. <<Back to Columns |
