Dear AdinaYour 21st Century Dear Abby Dilemma 1
Forced to Feel, —Adina’s Response— Dear Friendly Neighbor, Dilemma 2 Dear Adina, Tired of being the Victim, —Adina’s Response— Dear Fed Up with the In-laws, Adina Dilemma 3 Dear Adina, Holding My Breath, —Adina’s Response— Adina You can email your dilemmas to adina@agendamag.com. It’s okay, tell Adina all about it. Just remember to include your first name and age. Oh yeah, guys are welcome too. |
Category: Spring 2006
The Beauty Agenda
The Beauty Agenda
Sexy Spring
Written by Patricia Lee
Beauty Q & A
Q: I noticed that the new makeup looks for spring emphasize the appearance of fresh, glowing, clean skin. The cold winter weather left my skin a bit flaky and dull. How can I get rid of my skin¹s dull-looking appearance?
A: With winter weather, cold, dry air attacks skin and can leave it dry, dehydrated, and desperately needing hydration and/or moisture. At times, even much needed moisture can’t curtail the dull-looking skin winter leaves behind. To battle blah-looking skin, one may wish to try a gentle exfoliating scrub, such as Kiehl’s Pineapple Papaya Facial Scrub, which helps to slough away skin dulling cells. Containing pineapple and papaya, these earthly enzymes naturally nix those trying dead skin cells. Another amazing alternative offered at drug and department stores are at home microdermabrasion kits, such as Neutrogena’s Advanced Solutions At Home MicroDermabrasion Kit. Though a bit more potent, these must-have miracle workers exfoliate the dead surface skin cells, promote cell renewal, and leave skin softer and more rejuvenated. Follow up with the appropriate moisturizer or hydrator to maintain your skin’s suppleness. With fresher looking skin, you are ready to welcome spring.
Q: I’m in my late twenties and am curious about anti-aging foundations. I have a few fine lines and am wondering if I should opt for this sort of product. Any suggestions?
Spring Picks
Tried and Tested:
Ahh, Spring!!! The cute, coquettish looks of spring call for an equally pretty makeup look. One can effortlessly achieve an adoringly amorous look with femininely, flirty lashes. Our pick: Stila¹s Fiber Optics Mascara ($12.50). Coating every lash with micro fibers, it produces positively pretty, plumped-up lashes for that desired doe-eye, minus the drying and clumping. Falsies have nothing on these babies.
Spring Sexiness:
Tied and twisted, this season’s must have tempts and tantalizes with a visual game of peek-a-boo. From white hot white, teasing turquoise, or captivating chocolate to sweet pink, eye-grabbing green, or bewitching black, crocheted and eyelet pieces, alone or entwined with other refreshing fabrics and colors, charm in a clever yet classy fashion. Throw on a few gold/gold-toned accessories with an organic twist, such as intricate hoops, layered necklaces, or bracelets, and you’re good to go.
A few favorites:
Hard Tail Lace Goddess Tank Hazel Tie Front Camisole BCBG Girls “Kirstie” Crocheted Top
($56) ($78) ($68)
Get Glammed:
Delightfully complement the lighthearted fun of spring styles with equally pretty, uncomplicated colors. We love:
Dior Addict Nail Color:
Pretty Putty (380) Rose Reflex (250)
Sephora Nail Polish:
Sheer Baby Pink (22) Nude Mauve (21) Iridescent Gold Peach-Pink (23
Book Review – A Million Little Pieces – Author James Frey
A Million Little Pieces
James Frey
Reviewed by Lee Lemon Peoples
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and was not at all bothered by all the controversy. Yes, I agree Frey should have called it fiction––autobiographical fiction––because even without being told, I knew that much of what he wrote had to be an embellishment of the truth or just downright fiction. As Gabriel Garcia Marquez notes at the beginning of his memoir Living to Tell the Tale, “Life is not what one lived, but what one remembers and how one remembers it in order to recount it.” (He received the Nobel Prize for his novel One Hundred Years of Solitude.)
James Frey in A Million Little Pieces tells the story of how he overcame his drug and alcohol addiction. Upon entering the rehab center, his life was virtually in a million little pieces, echoed by his simple style of writing. Simple, staccato-like sentences, dialogue without the usual quotation marks move the action steadily along. I have great empathy for anyone who fights to overcome an addiction of any kind, especially one that is as destructive as the drugs to which he was addicted. During the initial screening, he admits to the nurse his use of “alcohol, cocaine, pills, acid, mushrooms, meth, PCP, and glue.”
James at the time was twenty-three and resided in North Carolina. Someone had put him on an airplane from Washington, D. C., to Chicago. He was badly beaten and bleeding, and he had no recollection of what had happened to him. When he arrived in Chicago, his parents convinced him to enter the clinic. They had received a call from the friend who told them he had fallen face first down an elevator shaft and that he thought they should find him some help. Given the only choice he had, James agreed to seek help. He entered the oldest residential drug and alcohol treatment facility in the world. The facility, located in Massachusetts, has the highest success rate of any other facility: about seventeen percent––patients who are sober one year after they leave. Both men and women are treated here, and one of the strictest rules is there is to be no contact between the sexes other than hello and good-bye. However, very early in his rehabilitation, he meets Lilly. They fall in love, further complicating both their recoveries.
He forms close friendships with other recovering addicts, among whom was Leonard, a special friend and the subject of another book My Friend Leonard.
Many of the personnel are former addicts: Ken, his counselor; Lincoln, his unit supervisor; Joanne, a staff psychologist.
In the end, James is successful in overcoming his addiction, and that is what matters.
Insights – One Thing at a Time
Insights
One Thing at a Time
I often take on too many things at once. I believe I am a master juggler when it comes to life, and I try to do it all. I work full time, go to school, take care of my kids. I even try to go on auditions. I just want to be happy, and I haven’t been able to give anything up because I want to do everything.
A couple of years ago I was dead set on learning German. I wanted to speak it fluently. I attempted to take courses until I realized that my brain could only handle one thing at a time and that one thing more would have been too much.
One thing at a time: that is something that I haven’t accepted. I don’t have to be like everyone else. I can do it all. I can learn it all. This has been a year of one defeat after another, and I realize that I have to slow down.
I’ve come home exhausted from working and too tired to study advanced physics of all things. I’ve been too tired to listen to the ones I love tell me about their day, their life, their dreams. And yes, I’m interested, but I’m too exhausted to give.
Now the question is, what should I give up? How do I let go? How can I keep what’s important and keep up this pace? I have to find something to let go.
I have had some really tough obstacles to face lately. My children are grown but are still dependent on me. I am not rich, but I want to do everything for them. I have been running all over the place trying to do everything and doing it badly.
The Taoist believes the only constant is change and even the most repetitive tasks vary if only within narrow limits. To contemplate and investigate the various sequences of change will engender tranquility that arises when loss, decay, and death are recognized as being no less essential to the whole than gain, growth, and life. Investigation permits one to see within certain limits that which will be inevitable.
Where can I find another me to do the other half of what I have no time to do?
Yesterday I ran to the Buddhist temple. I have been longing for a place of refuge where I could find peace. I have been driving myself so hard I’ve needed to take a break because this camel’s back has been about to break.
One last straw is all it took. My son asked me to go across town in one direction when I was headed in another direction. I had to make him find his own way and I wasn’t sure he could because he depends totally on me. At least that is what I thought.
Boy was I wrong! Everyone can find his/her own way without me. Everyone can decide to be independent of me. I can declare my independence and live in my freedom. Nathan found a friend to take him home.
During meditation at the Buddhist temple yesterday, I found my mind wandering a thousand different places. Then I had a moment of clarity when I heard the teacher say the human mind can only process one thing at a time. That caught my attention.
Americans are multi-taskers and jugglers. I am a master juggler, but lately I’ve been dropping the balls all over the ground. It has been very frustrating.
One thing at a time. That is all I can do. What a relief. That is all anyone can do. I don’t have to conquer the world, implement world peace, and solve advanced physics. I can just take it one step at a time. I can smell the roses, sip some tea, burn a candle, and breathe.
That’s how life is, a stepwise equation. We can only go where our feet will carry us, and they can only carry us one step at a time. I can give myself permission to take it slow. I can say no to some things. I can slow down and breathe.
I’m exhausted. At least now I can take a deep breath. I took several deep breaths while my mind was wandering through meditation. That was when I realized that I was taking one breath at a time.
When I was a child, I suffered with asthma. A clean unrestricted breath is as delicious to me as a glass of purified water to a man emerging from the desert. I lost my wandering and found myself enjoying the process of breathing. I felt my lungs expanding while I let the air in and out, in and out, in and out.
As I walked to my car, I was surprised at how good it felt to breathe in slowly and out slowly. As I take my breath, I will contemplate the wisdom of taking things one step at a time.
Simply Single – Men & Women: The Ambiguity of Actions and the Saving Grace of Straightforwardness
Simply Single
Men & Women: The Ambiguity of Actions and the Saving Grace of Straightforwardness
Page 1
It can happen during the most inopportune or most fitting of times, and it can strike anywhere. From buying lunch at a deli, browsing a supermarket isle, or busing it to work, to walking one’s dog, waiting at the doctor’s office, or working out at the gym, individuals evaluate one another. Depending on their single status or sometimes even lack thereof, gutsy guys and gals approach the apple of their eye, attempting to break the ice and achieve a friendly rapport with hopes it may lead to more. In addition to proactive pursuers, silent, shy, or secretive souls and conversation-starters who strike up small talk with anyone and everyone due to their outgoing, unassuming, friendly nature, coexist together. With most unable to read minds and figure out the romantic intent of most strangers, acquaintances, and even friends, many find it easier to let their wall down around those to whom they are not attracted or those of the sex to which they aren’t attracted, for it can often be easier to assume they are harmless and motiveless. Once unguarded, individuals feel more at ease with being themselves, comfortably chatting, contacting, cooking up plans, cracking jokes, and the like. Processing and perceiving interactions, situations, and events involving the sex(es) to which one is attracted individually and independently, one’s perceptions of what another is conveying influences and creates one’s sense of reality, which can lead to miscommunication. Considering individual complexities and perceptions, can one prevent another from misreading, misinterpreting, and mistaking platonic kindness and actions as something more? Are explanations and definitions needed to prevent such misunderstandings? Why can well spelled out actions and intentions still suffer some sort of ambiguity to which we are unaware?
From friendly, forward, or forthcoming to wary, wishy-washy, or withdrawn, individual psyches and personalities vary just as a candy store varies in a plethora of assortments. Despite the appearance or one’s opinion of any sugarcoated sweet, one often must taste or try a confection before coming to any real conclusion about it. Similarly, since appearances and assessments deceive in the dating world, one must interact with another to form a conclusion or an opinion about the person. Depending on one’s impression of another, he/she continues or cuts off communication with the person for various reasons. Working at the same firm, Alana and Josh quickly befriended one another. Outgoing and friendly, Alana felt comfortable talking about everything and anything, so long as the other person was just open-minded.
Warming quickly to Josh’s candid personality, they took regular smoke and lunch breaks together and shared serious, silly, and sordid stories on politics, life, and dating. Alana loved her rapport with Josh, relieved that they shared a perfect platonic relationship, unlike most men who often approached her with the intent towards or hopes for something more. She often though to herself, “This is great! Josh is a cool guy with whom I can talk and joke about anything. It’s nice to know there are guys out there who want to be a woman’s friend and nothing more.” About six months into their friendship, during a smoke break, Josh asked, “If you weren’t dating Mike, you’d date me, wouldn’t you?” Shocked and surprised by the unexpected question, Alana laughed. “No, I wouldn’t,” she chuckled, shaking her head in disbelief at the question. “You would, wouldn’t you? I think you would.” He earnestly offered. Hiding her discomfort, she smiled, calmly reiterating, “No, I wouldn’t, Josh. Seriously. Why?” From that moment on, their rapport changed from chummy companions to awkward acquaintances. Misinterpretation of their dynamics created two disparate views of Alana and Josh’s rapport. While Alana thought their friendship was completely platonic, Josh misconstrued the combination of her openness and their ritual breaks and lunches as a sign of potential interest. Alana wondered how Josh could have assumed there was more to their friendship. She had often openly talked about the man she dated, plainly pointed out Josh wasn’t her type, and consistently treated him like a buddy.
Dynamics between individuals, in which one or both could potentially be attracted, like any other type of relationship, can fall prey to subjective interpretation at all times. Frequently, communication between these individuals ends up much like a game of Telephone. Let’s say Marie meets Todd at a get together, and they immediately hit it off. As captivating conversations create an air of comfort around them, Marie feels Todd would make a fun friend and companion, since they seem to share much in common. In Todd’s mind, the chemistry confirms Marie’s budding interest for him. Both feel the other shares the same sentiment, and a “friendship” develops. Viewing his company as guaranteed good times, Marie calls to invite Todd to swanky soirees, cappuccinos at the coffeehouse, and movie matinees. To Todd, Marie’s increased invitations display her developing affections toward him. For instance, Marie would casually say, “Hey, what are you up to? Do you want to grab a cup of coffee?” Todd’s interpretation? Hi, Todd. I want to see you; do you want to grab a cup of coffee? With ever growing feelings, Todd began to obsess about Marie. As his feelings grew, he began obsessing about her, fabricating false illusions in his mind about the state of their “relationship.” Noticing a difference in his demeanor, Marie kept her distance to prevent any misunderstanding, causing Todd to become irritated by her change in behavior. Following a confrontation, during which Todd confessed his fervent feelings and Marie professed a purely platonic one, their “friendship” came to an end.
Comparable to the game of Telephone, messages transmitted from one to another lose some of their original meaning and become distorted by paraphrases. Add human nature into the equation, and the situation increases in complexity, for individuals subject words to various connotations, denotations, and interpretations; a recipient’s own interpretation or idea of the story or situation inevitably influences how a message is received and processed. At times failing to take things at face value, individuals attempt to read in between the lines in search for some sort of subtext, since all actions contain some level of intent. For instance, a good-natured woman smiling and chatting could be seen by another as a flirt. Similarly, a personable and honest man complimenting a young lady could be seen by the young lady as just a dirty pervert who wants to try to get into her pants. Moments, instances, conversations, and interactions can fall victim to individual interpretation; the perceived subtext affects the comprehension of any given incident, giving way to erroneous presumptions.
Perplexing and plentiful, individual personalities and psyches drive, direct, and dominate both sexes. Perhaps as a result of nature, nurture, or both, men and women often communicate, channel, and comprehend circumstances differently, though some prove not unlike each other in cognitive and behavioral processes. Throwing sex into the formula activates attachment in some and further complicates situations. With scads of character and ego variations to last us days to discover and discuss, let’s consider three types from both sexes to simplify things a bit. For the most part, a large majority of men operate as “hunters,” seeking out and having sex with women that range from acceptable to appealing. For such singles, friendliness and sociability come easily and often act as a means to an end; the energy exerted frequently serves to win over an individual with whom they want to hook up.
Comprised of those ranging from shy, sensitive, or self-conscious to skittish, solicitous, or schizo, wariness, fear, and/or baggage influence the second group of singles. Victims of past experiences, personal demons, or perceptions of oneself, this group of singles often branches out into two subgroups: the emotionally evasive and the emotionally addicted. For the emotionally evasive, the issues one endures lead one to build a wall protecting one’s emotions, using various forms of behavior, such as infidelity. On the other hand, often lacking luck or struggling a bit in the dating area, the emotionally addicted often fall susceptible to emotional commitment in most all types of relationships and interactions. Consequently, many experience premature attachment and/or different levels of obsession. From nice to neurotic, the emotionally addicted frequently fail to take rejection well and tend to turn a deaf ear to hints of disinterest, choosing instead to perpetually pursue the object of their affections. Finally, varying from charming or captivating to calculating or careful, some single men easily meet, attract, and date women, yet for reasons only they or their psyches can explain, like a bruised ego, the dynamics of a relationship shifts from one of detachment to one of attachment and/or obsession.
Just as there are a plethora of personality types for men, there exist plenty for women as well. Whether through nature or nurture, most women tend to nurture others in various ways, ranging from caring for others, chatting away, or conducting themselves nicely to consorting with others, considering another’s feelings, or creating a cozy atmosphere. Moreover, often raised in an environment that promotes verbal communication, many women possess a higher propensity towards sociability. As a result, when approached, most women fail to quickly ignore and reject conversation starters, politely engaging desirable and detesting conversations.
In addition to sympathetic socializers, there exist some women purely driven by sex. Similar to their male counterparts, these forward females usually suffer no emotional attachment. Scoping out and hooking up with men, they commonly disassociate sex with love, view sex as no big deal, fall short of getting attached through sex, and prove more apt to rejecting conversation starters that waste their time. Then, there remains a group which socializes to an extent, but contains a range of women, including the anti-social, shy, inexperienced, unlucky in dating, and insecure. Ordinarily lacking in wisdom attained from age, experience, or security, this group can mistake sex and kindness as more and can become attached quite easily, for attention, physical relationships, and the like provide validation they seek and need.
What happens when you throw the ample assortment of men and women into one pot? One gets room for mix-ups, misreads, and misjudgments leading to experiences of heartbreak, horror, or headache. Tall, slender, cute, and extremely personable, Erica garnered ample attention, yet nearly all relationships, mutual commitments and casual affairs ended shortly with former beaus headed for the hills. During each short-lived romance, Erica earnestly expressed belief that each suitor was “the one” and carried on as such. Suffering from insecurity issues––a home with an unloving father, and no desire to cultivate any intellect––her modus operandi consisted of flirting for attention, constant coddling, superficial conversations, over obsessing, and attempts at appealing as “perfect wife” material. In her mind, she believed the manner in which she was carrying on appealed to men and attracted those seeking a commitment. On the other hand, the objects of her affection often sought the momentary or decided she wasn’t serious material after a bit of dating, resulting in a clash of dialogue, spoken and unspoken. She lamented a beau’s complaint that they didn’t talk about much and his decision to “hang out” at her house for a mere hour or two before attending a get-together without her. I suggested she initiate and partake in conversations involving topics he’d find interesting, other than superficial, sans substance small talk. Afraid she would misunderstand my suggestion, I explained that engaging her beau in dialogue on topics relating to concerns exhibited her interest in his life and things pertaining to him. Furthermore, it would provide that extra “something” to keep him interested, for looks and the physical fade. Flustered, she snapped, “What do you mean? I don’t know what you mean by that.” Occupied with the outward and suffering vulnerabilities superficial, frivolous thoughts and concerns enveloped her world. Despite any well-meaning recommendations from friends, she mistook their advice as criticism and attacks on her character, stunting her from seeing the bigger picture and seeking self-growth. Instead, pleasing and immersing herself with the man in her life took precedence over all else; this in turn created fertile ground necessary in planting seeds of obsession and premature attachment.
For example, while dating Dave, Erica slept with him early on, believing that such intimacy confirmed his interest in wanting more than just the casual. Each act of kindness or moment of fun further underscored her belief that things were getting serious, and he was “the one.” To Dave, on the other hand, his actions meant nothing more than a manifestation of his feelings at that moment. Nice and fun loving, Dave treated almost everyone kindly and politely. Dating Erica proved no different; he treated her as he would anyone else, with the added detail that they slept together. In his eyes, it was what it was an nothing more, which conflicted with Erica’s notion that their relationship was headed towards seriousness. Due to her personality, past, and psyche, she couldn’t simply take things at face value, unnecessarily adding more worth to things only to set herself up for disappointment. As the relationship fizzled, Erica grew distraught and eventually heartbroken. Mistaking his actions as more, she blinded herself from seeing the true nature of the relationship, assumed he wanted more, and endured a painful letdown.
Breezing through the aisles at Ralphs, Allie maneuvered to make her shopping safari short. Spotting her in the produce section, Jake approached Allie, attempting to break the ice with his rendition of charm and wit. Possessing a pleasant, polite personality, Allie found it difficult to ignore strangers, sometimes even the scumbags. As he rambled on, she wanted badly to bolt, for she found him annoying, aggressive, and aesthetically unpleasing. Instead of doing so, she continued to listen, courteously conversing, with a strained smile. When Jake asked for her number, she quickly revealed she had a boyfriend; yet Jake remained relentless, attempting to hand his business card to her. In his mind, despite her non-single status, her receptiveness reinforced her potential interest in him. Trying hard not to publicly injure his ego, yet praying he would disappear, Allie graciously grabbed the business card he offered with hopes he would scurry away afterwards. He left on top of the world, assuming he held some chance with her. Cocky and confident, individuals like Jake cannot take subtle hints, for they truly think they are a desirable catch. In such instances, it proves prudent to muster up the nerve to say “NO,” since oddly enough, all else still stresses potential interest.
Faced with a multitude of multifarious individuals, one can prevent or reduce misunderstanding- based mishaps through clear, concise, candid communication. In the complex world of dating, speaking up serves to sever any semblance of attraction to or fascination with a person in whom you hold no interest. Seemingly difficult for some to be the bitchy, bad guy, the honesty can beget benefits, such as possibly establishing a clearer rapport, free from premature, unsubstantiated assumptions. Moreover, being blunt can help fend off the forward, frustrating types which one may unfortunately run into at random times and places. Consequently, curtly cutting off suitors that fail to tickle one’s fancy or that push to persuade one to feel differently can save one from distracting dilemmas and drama. Though some slightly insane types may appear hurt, they will surely recover from the setback sooner if the ties are cut earlier rather than later. So, before setting off, strap on your armor of straightforwardness. You may just find that it protects you from many preventable problems and perplexities.
Written by Patricia Lee
Single and Sassy
Talking Chic
Single and Sassy
This past Valentine’s Day I did something I, a single 20-something-year-old, had never done before––I went to a bar. Yes, it was in the middle of the week, and sure, getting up for work at eight is typicallythe plan, but I had just bought the cutest bronze-color shrug and I was ready to hit the dance floor. After borrowing my roommate’s vintage-style Union jeans, her black chandelier danglies to work with my black Trina Turk lace camisole––what can I say? It was on! I was feelin’ hot and figuring why stay home and get down about being date-less, when I can strut my stuff and enjoy my freedom. Needless to say, my friend (who was semi-single at the time) was in tune with my energy and felt the same way.
And it was definitely a night to remember.
Whether it was the Pussycat Dolls or Sean Paul pulling us to the dance floor, or running into other girlfriends who were also standing up for singlehood…the night was mine and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. But then the ridiculous questions started. Wannabe pick-up lines like, “You’re too cute not to have a boyfriend!” or “What are you doing out this way—you don’t look like a typical I.E. girl,” as he peered at my outfit that I had so delicately put together. And during this insulting-slash-desperate attempt to get my phone number… it hit me: Why is it assumed that a fashionable, attractive, and young professional (dare I say so myself) has to be “taken?” It brought me back to the whole idea of “being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely” type of affirmation I’ve read before in self-help books. I also realized that while some girlfriends dress sassy for their boyfriends, or wives keep their husbands’ favorites in mind when getting dressed, many people automatically assume that being single and looking fabulous is well, a waste, as if the idea of dressing for oneself doesn’t exist.
What I took away from that night is that it most definitely does count. Attracting a mate and looking hot in doing so is a wonderful feeling, and having someone to regularly deliver compliments and give kudos to your style is also an indescribable feeling. But loving yourself, especially on Cupid’s day, is also something to be cherished, because this adoration for thyself, my friends, can automatically manifest itself into looking good all the time. “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” really does make sense to me these days. It has been almost a year that I’ve been without a serious beau. But I’m thinking a revised version of “Don’t hate me because I’m single, beautiful, and wearing hot jeans for no one BUT myself” is due.
Here’s the thing: I believe true style does not mean walking out the door in hopes of getting a catcall when getting into your car, nor about purchasing come-hither-me pieces (like for the cute guy in the office who just happens to stroll by your desk every morning). To me, a sense of fashion is more than that. It means dreaming in color, pretending you’re ransacking your mama’s closet when you were a kid and coming out with creative ensembles. And most importantly, enjoying fashion means owning a wardrobe that includes only those pieces that make you smile every time you imagine slipping them on.
Now I’m not saying that I don’t want cutie over there to ignore me as I walk by, but should he not check me out, well, all I can say is, “I’m single, I’m sassy, and see ya later!” ‘cause I have hot shoes on…na-na-na-na-na!
Written by Elana Pruitt
There Once was a Man from Vagina…Or, how we’ll learn to stop trying to censure (and censor) sexuality.
There Once was a Man from Vagina…Or, how we’ll learn to stop trying to censure (and censor) sexuality.
Let’s just start stating the obvious, shall we?
I have to admit that my biggest guilty pleasure is “America’s Next Top Model,” clearly a standout in the reality television niche if only for its impenitent appreciation of unattainable beauty (at least for a few of us) and, of course, the requisite schadenfreude when a particularly bitchy model receives her walking papers. Something about “Top Model” delivers this sensation better than any other reality program currently on TV—”Survivor” has passed its beguiling stage and entered into territory usually charted by and reserved for long-winded skits on “Saturday Night Live”; “American Idol” only reaffirms my belief that pop culture thrives on mediocrity; and the physical appeal of “talent” on “Elimidate” et.al., reflects a saddening trend in the national average when it comes to health, sex and beauty (not to mention demeanor). But, perhaps the most cleverly constructed reality isn’t what’s on television, but instead is that ephemeral little raison d’etre for teens and 20-somethings on the Internet. You guessed it, MySpace. Now, amid all the recent brouhaha about its apparent pervert-conducive environment and the imminent “blog backlash” that’s awaiting some stellar scandal (as if 2005’s online murder confession wasn’t enough), parents suddenly have to confront this newfound medium for public adolescent sexuality and personal information dissemination. How’s that for reality? But, you know me: I immediately place the bulk of the blame on a subdued sexual milieu that’s been encouraged and exploited by a government eager to win back and retain its fundamentalist party base, much to the chagrin of those of us without hang-ups who are able to recognize and apply tact in public situations. Sadly, many of these MySpace nymphets and studs-in-training are suffering from a lack of open, mature discussion with their parents about sexuality—especially teen sexuality—and their ignorance is manifesting itself in revealing personal Web page images and seductive blog bios. We smart adults have abandoned these social sites and returned to normal human interaction—or have found other more mature Web sites that don’t cater to high school kids looking to de-virginize each other. Naturally, however, the lecherous miscreants perusing MySpace exploit the blatant lack of judgment by enticing curious preteens into premature maturation. And these children, bereft of adequate understanding of what is and is not appropriate, exercise their curiosity in potentially dangerous ways. If there is one sure fact in life, it is that everything needs an outlet, some form or formula for catharsis, because without it, what burdens our minds eventually manifests in our actions—sometimes absent of logic, that little voice that says, “Hey…why don’t you take a second to rethink this, eh?” Being inquisitive about reality and having an immediate way to sate that awe can possibly produce an unwanted result. The most effective combatant in this battle against further decadence of the next generation, whose Web-savvy nature could be made or broken by this reasoning, is an unfiltered approach toward sexuality in the public realm. Let’s stop letting a repressed few dictate how much exposure to sex our children have. Between half-naked, influential celebrities and the omnipresent World Wide Web, children are deluged with images that at the very least demand explanations before their re-enactments are attempted in blog profile photos. American children especially are at risk because, unlike European and other open-minded nations, the United States takes somewhat bittersweet pride in just how sheltered the majority of its children are. Censorship recently has become a sort of emblem for die-hard politicians. Pretty soon we’ll need permits to take showers, lest we see our own naked bodies without the explicit approval of our representatives. And this all stems from a sick embracement of the continued suppression of something that’s always been and always will be.
So let’s state the obvious. Rather than wait until your 15-year-old daughter meets a 52-year-old man with more than a passing interest in her “hobbies” and “favorite music,” why not immerse your children in the already seedy world of over-eroticized reality television and force them into having long, thorough and repulsive conversations about the wonderment and consequences of sex. Inundation is the best method, I believe. Or, at a minimum, parents should make an attempt to lull their kids away from solely seeing an idealized version of what society and children are like and show them the results of poor decisions. They clearly are incapable of recognizing that their idols, their celebrities have flaws, and (although unbelievably) tact. The sexy, young women on “The Bachelor” and “Blind Date” that they emulate are not the best examples of maturity, and parents need to tell children that, rather than tightening the blinders so that they can’t see the viscera beneath that over-simplified and deceptive picture of desired sexuality that reality television, Internet, and the entertainment industry have mistakenly conveyed. A blog should not be a child’s introduction to reality, nor should a scripted “real-life” television show. That’s the reality, folks, believe it or not.
Written by Natalie Martin
The Battle of The Sexes
Battle of the Sexes
In a man’s mind this scenario is not a mere dream; it is a reality, using the right strategy. You see, I’ve found that men take a “war strategy” approach to love such as: get her before she gets me, never reveal your position, don’t fire until fired upon, and a surprise attack is the best advantage to have over your opponent. They believe using these strategies will ensure victory, but like all men going to war they know there is a chance they will lose or in this case have a conversation like this…HIM: You know Susie, I think we should take this relationship to the next level. What do you think? SUSIE: Now John, you already know I think of you as more than a friend… you are more like a big brother. Someday I want you to be a groomsman at my wedding. Wouldn’t that be great? Aren’t you glad we’ve never had feelings for each other? I mean us dating would have been a nightmare, don’t you think? HIM: Yeah. That would have sucked. The strategy somewhat worked; the enemy does not know his true position. It is a small victory, not the victory he hoped for but a victory. This is why I hate this question because for the woman it is a surprise attack. His full forces are advancing and you sent your army out for manicures and pedicures! You have been fired upon, and having been surprised, you only have two options: either confront the enemy or run like hell. Unsurprisingly, I have always chosen the latter of the two and ended up in an uncomfortable conversation more like this…HIM: “I think we should take this relationship to the next level. What do you think? ME: “I’m sorry, what? I wasn’t paying attention.” HIM: “I think it is time we try taking this relationship to the next level.” ME: “You know what? I totally forgot I have to do something today, um, I’m going to go. I’ll call you later though, soooo…O. K. Bye.” Moments like this bring me to the second reason I hate being asked to upgrade a relationship. #2. It’s just weird!! I’ll elaborate with a little example. Say you meet a guy in high school, college, or at work and you become “friends.” You become very comfortable with one another and you talk to said “friend” about how you hate boyfriend A, then boyfriend B, and boyfriend C was the worst! You confide in said “friend” telling him that you have had it, you will never find Mr. right and from now on you are replacing men with me time. It is at this moment said “friend” decides to say (you guessed it) “MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP TO THE NEXT LEVEL.” That one awkward moment hits you like only one other awkward moment can, when you go on a bad date and the guy insists on walking you to your door. You think oh crap he’s going to want to kiss me. What should I do, all the while he’s rambling on about how much fun he had blah, blah, blah. At this point you just pray he shuts up and goes home. All of a sudden he starts leaning closer with that head tilt and everything starts moving in slow motion (but in a bad way). Suddenly you realize he’s about to make contact so you turn your head to the side at the last minute and give him the cheek. Then you have to pretend that you didn’t know he was going to kiss you, which is a total lie and you know he knows it is a total lie, so you both just stand there. Then you feel like you should say something so you mumble the first thing that comes to your head like “so…it’s really late” or “all right…well, good night” and you try adding a yawn or some weird gesture like holding up your key or giving him a little wave so he knows you are serious. Until he leaves it feels like you cannot breathe. Yeah, having a friend of many years ask you to “take your relationship to the next level” feels just like that. Now, why would a man put you and himself through a moment like this? Here is my theory, I call it the “Donner Party Syndrome,” or D.P.S for short, because much like the Donner party turned the people in their wagon train into a potluck dinner, in times of extreme loneliness or sexual dry spells, men turn girl-friends into girlfriends. So to avoid moments like this, get your male friends laid by someone else on a regular basis, and they will never hit on you. There is only one problem with this theory that I’ve relied on since high school…it’s WRONG! Which is weird because I thought my theory was airtight until a recent incident revealed a very large hole. Not too long ago I decided to play matchmaker with two friends of mine. They seemed to have a lot in common: same age, bad divorces, a good sense of humor; and both are really creative. So, I email my friend Rick (whom I hadn’t spoken to for a couple of months) to play catch up. I tell him I’m engaged, ask him if he’s seeing anyone…normal catch up stuff. He replies he isn’t seeing anyone at all. I respond, “Great, because I want to hook you up with a friend of mine…we’ll have to get together and discuss.” He writes back, “Sure, we can get together next week.” I reply, “O. K…until then, stay single.” I log off and head out of town for a week to a place where time stands still and DSL, TiVo, and call notes do not exist…my parents’ house. So it takes me a week to get Rick’s response: “Stay single, why? Are you getting cold feet?” I think ha, ha, ha, that Rick! What a kidder. I hit reply and write, “No cold feet here. I want to set you up with my friend, remember?” His response is, “Oh, I can’t. I have a girlfriend. We’ve been dating for a couple of months and I think we are in love.” Now this baffles me. Why didn’t he tell me he had a girlfriend when I originally asked him? So, I turn to the one person that is used to my crazy life experiences, Matt. (He’s the fiancé.) He reads the emails and says (rather smugly I might add), “Well, it is pretty obvious to me. He thought you asked him if he was single because you wanted to hook up with him, or something, so he said yes. Then when you clarified that you wanted to play matchmaker with your friend, he told you about the girlfriend. Basically, he was hoping to hook up with you.” I was shocked. How can that be? That’s not right. That doesn’t coincide with my D.P.S theory that male friends only hit on female friends in times of dire sexual/intimacy emergency. If he has a girlfriend, why would he need to sleep with me? While I was pondering this question another of my male friends, Jeff, calls. I tell Jeff what Rick had done and Jeff offers the same explanation as Matt. So it’s true! Now, the question was does every guy think like this? There was only one way to find out: a nasty little experiment with Jeff as the subject. For the record, Jeff has a girlfriend seventeen years his junior and we have been friends for a little over a year, no chance of D.P.S. here. I begin by asking him, “You think men and women can just be friends?” “Yeah, sure,” he says. I reply, “Then how come every guy I’ve ever been friends with has hit on me at least once?” He interrupts with “every guy except ONE.” “Oh yeah,” I say, “my gay friend never hit on me.” “No,” he laughs, “I was talking about me.” “Whatever!” I shoot back, “If you could sleep with me, you so would.” He replies, “I have never hit on you and I know for a fact that I would never sleep with you.” Hmmm, a huge blow to the ego but interesting, maybe Rick is a fluke. I trudge on “Why wouldn’t you sleep with me? Is it because you think I’m fat?” (Incidentally, accusing a man of calling you fat always throws him off guard because men know women are super sensitive about it. Normally, if you weasel that into any argument you’ll get what you want. It works a lot like crying.) Jeff says, “No, I don’t think you are fat. It’s just that you aren’t the type of girl you mess around with.” “What does that mean? Is that a nice way of calling me unattractive or something? Guys have been telling me that since high school and I still don’t know what that means!” To which he replies, “You are the kind of girl a guy marries. You don’t want to just mess around with a girl like you, ‘cause if you make the wrong move, you lose the friendship. So you have to decide to go for it or just be her friend.” Even though my guy to girl friend ratio has always been around 3:1, I had never heard this before. What’s a girl to do? Get more information, of course. “Really, what makes me a girl guys want to marry? I know it’s not because I can cook.” Then he says, “I don’t know….you are just a fun, laid back, cool person, and a guy can picture hanging out with you for the rest of his life. You see men have categories they put women into.” “Really,” I say acting surprised, “what are they?” –Warning you are about to read a section of the very elusive and secretive guy code, prepare yourself– The categories men classify women in are as follows: (A.) women they want to sleep with; (B.) women they hope they can sleep with; (C.) women they are willing to marry to sleep with. This information blows a hole into my D.P.S. theory, just when I thought I had men figured out. However, getting this information is a victory, not the victory I expected, but a victory. We women no longer have to be blindsided when our male friend asks, “Can we take this relationship to the next level?” We have men right where we want them in our crosshairs. Now you understand what he really means and once a man reveals his position, what you choose to do with this information is entirely up to you. You can (A.) accept his proposal on your terms; (B.) run like hell; or (C) use it to your advantage. After all, a man will do anything for you if he thinks he will have a chance with you someday. I know it sounds awful, but then again all is fair in love and war. Written by Jessica Mouser |
Steamer Trunk Satins – A Bridal Company That Provides Accessories for Bridal and Special Occassions
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Pamela Heath – Steamer Trunk Satins: The Bridal Company That Provides Accessories for Bridal and Special Occasions
A strong visual intuition for color nuances, patterns, and textiles led Pamela Heath into a career of art publishing for major museums. She most recently has produced art books for the Getty Museum in Los Angeles, California. Building on a journalism background (B.A.and M.A.) in fashion and communication, she has joined the staff of Agenda to cover the bridal and wedding components of the magazine. Working as CEO and designer of Steamer Trunk Satins (a fashion house creating bead-embellished veils, garters, chokers, jewel bouquets, and coordinating tiaras), she is adept at researching the industry and assisting brides with their wedding needs and resources. For brides and their attendants, nothing is more reassuring than her motivation and commitment to enhancing the inner and outer beauty of women! Pamela Heath is the CEO and principal designer of Steamer Trunk Satins, a Southern California company, a design house, which creates satin and velvet chokers embellished with beads, lace garters, veils, and tiaras . They utilize the technique of virtual painting with beads, giving their pieces bursts of color. Their veils are two-tiered and hand beaded with a variety of colorful patterns with pearls and monochromatic beads. Each garter can be beaded to coordinate with the bride’s veil. Steamer Trunk Satins works with the brides from conception to completion. So how did Pamela Heath, an art book producer for the Getty Museum, get involved in bridal accessories? Well, she was going out to a lot of clubs at night and wanted something to wear that would stand out. Pamela had a lot of friends who were performers in the music industry. She really just wanted to wear something more vibrant. From there, Pamela started to make chokers for her musician friends on stage. She also started designing costumes. Pamela had applied and was accepted to FIDM, and before she was about to begin classes, she realized that she had had enough school at that point. All Pamela really wanted to do was bridal and special occasion accessories. She had been attending a lot of bridal fairs with her sister who was planning her wedding, and Pamela was helping her prepare for a strict, traditional wedding with a lot of attendants. Pamela and her sister were looking for things that would be both suitable and universal for the wedding. It was then that Pamela came up with the idea of fusing beads with bridal veils, chokers, and garters. And because of the sizing issues (with varying neck sizes), she chose to make those particular items herself, also designing the veils and the garters as an ensemble. Pamela has been in publishing for 15 years and has produced art books for the Getty Museum. “I am just a visual person, so I was sketching. I had to take fashion at FIDM anyway, so I just got involved in the bridal stuff. I was still paying off my grad school loans. I have a Master’s in Visual Communications, and I’ve done a little retail sales. In the past I sold cosmetics (Clinique and Lancôme), and was comfortable designing for women, including myself.” Pamela conceived of Steamer Trunk Satins 2 years ago, and in the process, a lot of things happened, where she was unsure about taking that step. But she did it. She attended a bridal exhibit in January—it was Steamer Trunk Satins’ first show, and she really wanted some feedback. Many of the exhibitors who had been in the industry for a while had never seen anything like it, and that was very encouraging to Pamela. “I am a really detailed person, and it was what I liked to do. It was a hobby, and I am glad that it eventually turned into a business.” Pamela showed me some of her accessories and talked about the most traditional ones—the veil and garter. “The veils are frosting. Even with the simplest ceremony, it is the symbol that indicates you’re a bride. You only wear a veil on your wedding day. The garters naturally came together. But also, I like the idea of bringing back something traditional.” How did you come up with the name? “The name Steamer Trunk Satins is actually from an old steamer trunk my great aunts had from 1912, and WWI, which I inherited—my great grandmother was a nurse in that war. The trunk reads ‘Nursing Sister.’ “Growing up , I was raised by a lot of women. And I was very close to my grandmother, my mother, and 2 aunts. One of my aunts was a ballroom dancer, and when I could barely walk, she had gotten me into ‘shimmer and sparkle.’ My sister and I took ballet, but we didn’t like it. We might have even been asked not to return the next year.” Pamela laughed. “So making costumes behind the scenes worked better for me.” Highest High “My highest high happened at my first bridal fair. Before we even started, and before the brides-to-be had entered, a fellow exhibitor came up to our booth and commented that it was the best one there—that it was really novel. Now that was when I knew I should be doing this.” Lowest Low “At one point, I wondered if this whole bridal thing was just a big waste of energy, and if this idea would ever get out of my head. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, and I had a lot of doubt in the beginning.” How long had it been before you put your ideas into motion? “Well, my manly man website designer came up with this really amazing feminine website the first time out. And in maybe 6 months (with a year of trial and error), it eventually came together. “ I remember skipping my home economic classes when I was in school—I was the total feminist. I was actually close to failing home economics, which was unheard of at the time. My teacher called my mother and asked her why was I always missing school on those days. Later, I ended up taking sewing classes at the Santa Monica Sewing Arts Center. And the sewing machine I now have used to belong to my mother. She actually made our Halloween and ballet costumes on it.” Advice Pamela Gives to Start-Up Businesses: “Stick with it. There will be setbacks—just accept that. Do a lot of research and don’t be afraid to try new things.” What’s Next? “I hope this is something I can be doing well into my 60s and 70s. I’d like to expand into halters and other pieces. I don’t know if I’ll get married, but I’m glad I have my wedding veils. My pieces are really a feminine outlet for me. When I am working as an artwork producer, everything is just print. So this is something tangible.” To learn more about Steamer Trunk Satins, visitwww.steamertrunksatins.com. Interview by Kaylene Peoples |
Cheryl Murphy of Spectrum Talent Agencies – From Entertainer to Successful Entrepreneur
Cheryl Murphy of Spectrum Talent Agencies – From Entertainer to Successful Entrepreneur
Cheryl Murphy, the owner of Spectrum Talent Agency, located in Los Angeles and Las Vegas, started off dancing for the Osmonds in Utah, where she grew up. She then moved to New York and took classes at Alvin Aley, Melissa Howard, David Jennings, Luigi, etc. So she grew up in the entertainment business, dancing and performing. Then she went to Vegas and was a Las Vegas showgirl for 20 years, and she danced with some really big names: Melinda, the First Lady of Magic; Miller Reich Productions; and Penny France Productions. She then started doing wardrobe as well for people like Carrot Top, and she does a lot of work with David Copperfield.
Cheryl Murphy got into the other side of this business about twelve years ago. A young lady named Crystal Roark owned Spectrum Agency when it was just casting, so Cheryl took it over and moved it to the next level. There is also another agency in Spectrum LA called Envy Models. Daniel Mahan is the owner and runs it. They have international as well as national recognition with both the agencies. “We’ve been here a year and are literally making it happen in the Los Angeles market,” says Cheryl.
Cheryl points out that Spectrum, located in both Los Angeles and Las Vegas are very different. “Las Vegas is known for being a convention town and corporate town—there are a lot of corporate events. We cover all spectrums of show business, whether it’s stage productions, dancers, musical acts, impersonators—they’re big in Vegas. In Los Angeles there’s a lot of theater, commercial, print, and film. Los Angeles has print wrapped up. This is what provides models a lot of work.” According to Cheryl, when picking models, there is a criterion where they have to have a certain edgy look. They take measurements, look through their portfolios, and sometimes recommend that they shoot with another photographer because their pictures may not be strong enough for their agency. It’s a process, especially for the younger models. Normally, they don’t have a really strong book put together, and it’s one of the reasons they’re sent to other countries so they can establish a strong book, which gives them a lot of tear sheets and editorial work.
Regarding selecting actors for Spectrum, Cheryl mentions one young man in particular, Toby Grattison. He was one of the New Orleans hurricane victims who came to Los Angeles. Cheryl feels he is a great up and coming young actor. Some of his credits include Ray,Dukes of Hazard, Glory Road, etc.
“Those are the actors you want to get a hold of because everybody is grabbing at them. But when you can get them and really push them, then that is the key. These young, promising actors really need somebody to get behind them, and that’s exactly what I want to do.”
What advice does Cheryl give to someone trying to start his/her own talent agency?
“In the beginning, when you select the talent, be selective. Don’t just take anybody who comes through the door. Make sure you have all the information, from A-Z on that person. Get their resumé, enter in all their skills, including their acting reels. What actually helps the casting director select the talent is when they are able to see the actor and who they really are. Just a photo isn’t enough. Sometimes we even ask for references, and we will call those references for a heads up on the actor. Some people have a history—maybe drugs, and even legal issues sometimes. Those are the kinds of things we take into consideration, because it is our reputation on the line, so we have to make sure that we’re presenting somebody in a good light.”
What advice does Cheryl give to potential actors?
“When you’re starting out green, you kind of need to get your face out there. We’re not the only agency in Los Angeles obviously. What I suggest is to get the best head shot that you possibly can, because a picture says a million words. And get in front of the agencies. If you don’t get in one or two of them, don’t worry. Just keep moving. Because one of the agencies will take you and then you’ll get your opportunity to shine. But this business is a real grind and you can’t be the type of person that once a door is slammed in your face, that you just stop, or quit. Get in as many castings as you can.”
What do you think of non-union casting calls?
“They’re great. You have your non-union and your union actors. Then you have those actors that were union and have not found enough work, so they went Financial Core. Unfortunately, sometimes you wait hours and hours in those lines to get seen, but sometimes it could be that role that is important to you. You have to go to those types of casting.”
Where does Cheryl see Spectrum in five years?
“In the next 5 years I see Spectrum doing big production work. I have two theaters right now in Branson, Missouri, where we’re booking shows: a comedy theater and dinner theater where we book different impersonation shows. One of those shows features the Brat Pack; the other is a tribute to Motown with the Temptations, 4-Tops, Diana Ross and the Supremes, and Stevie Wonder. I see myself in the production in a big way because I am a good producer. I was on stage with a lot of those acts. So for me to come in now and produce the shows, it’s great.
“I was in the movie Tap with Gregory Hines, and Breaking Part 2, and it’s better being on the other side. It’s pressure but in a different way. I thought I could be slipped into this role because I know how to instruct people on how to go to auditions because I went to hundreds of them. I’m able to instruct them in an experienced way because I’ve been there and I’ve done that.”
Highest High
“The day I made the audition dancing for the Osmonds. It was a 3-day process. I can say out of 1000 people there, I was one of 6 dancers chosen. It gave me the confidence and the boost to go on with my dance career.”
Lowest Low
“The day I had to retire from my career. It was so part of my life since I was 5 years old. I had been on stage for 20 years. And you always hope that you can go on to do something bigger and better than what you’ve already done, and that was probably the low point of my life—making that decision to hang up my shoes. Dancers are like athletes—there is one day when you have to hang up those shoes. And when that day came, I’ve never looked back. I have to look forward.”
As a woman, Cheryl has encountered some obstacles. Sometimes people don’t take her seriously.
“They can’t believe I own the agency—in my case, both the agencies. I am a serious businesswoman. I take care and handle my business. I am a real hustler, I get out there and I make things happen. And when things don’t just fall into place, I keep moving.”
Interviewed and Written by Kaylene Peoples
